n.t. dreams
I'm convinced I am autistic. I've taken many online tests where I have scored highly on the Autismometer. Also, several family members' children have been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and all the things that they displayed growing up were things that also applied to me when I was a kid. Weird obsessions, stimming, poor social skills, inability to sleep, precociousness - stuff like that. I had 'em. I was a handful for my parents.
One of the things I've always struggled with is social situations. I can just about manage a one-on-one conversation that mostly won't veer into awkward silences. I still struggle to relate to people and I struggle to connect. Social situations where there are multiple people are just a whole new level of pain for me. I just can't function and basically shut down.
So it's particularly galling that most nights recently have been full of dreams of me in group situations. I'm absolutely crushing it; we all get along, we all understand and get each other. Deep connections are made and friendships and bonds are formed. Then I wake up my usual awkward, dorky self. It's really really annoying.
Years ago I was extremely single. Never had a girlfriend. Some nights I would dream that I had a romantic partner with whom I was deeply in love and who reciprocated that love equally. I would wake up, single and depressed; going through a form of grief for a non-existent lost love.
So, basically my subconscious brain is a massive prick that shows me lives that I could have if I weren't built differently to "normies" - just to screw with me for the LOLs.
Stupid brain. Thanks a bunch.